You’re in a one-on-one with a direct report. They’re telling you about a problem — maybe a project that’s off the rails, a team dynamic that’s souring, or a client relationship that’s circling the drain. About thirty seconds in, you get it. You can see the whole thing in your mind. You know what’s going on, and you probably already know what they should do about it.
Guess what?
You’re almost certainly wrong.
Not about the general shape of the situation. You’ve been doing this long enough that your pattern-matching is excellent. But about the specific reality this person is living in? The details that actually matter?
You’re running on a movie your brain invented — complete with set design, lighting, and a cast of characters straight out of your brain’s best simulation of Central Casting.
I see this constantly in my coaching work. A leader comes in with something like, “My team just isn’t stepping up.” Or: “I keep getting pulled into the weeds.” Or: “I’ve got a senior person who’s checked out.”
My instinct is to immediately start solving. I can see the situation. I can see the checked-out senior leader scrolling through their phone in a meeting. I can see the overwhelmed VP staying late to redo their team’s work. I’ve constructed a vivid mental movie, and I believe it.
But it’s a total fantasy. My brain is constructing reality, like it always does.
And that means that my solutions, which will work perfectly in the theater of my mind, always fall flat in the real world.
As a coach, I’ve learned to insert a simple but powerful technique between an initial description of a problem and an in-depth diagnosis.
I become a movie director.
Instead of working from the generalized story, I ask for a specific scene. Not “tell me what usually happens” but “tell me about a specific time this happened.” Not the pattern — one actual instance. And in enough detail that I can see the movie in my mind.
“Well, last Tuesday in our leadership meeting, I presented the Q3 priorities and Davina just sat there.”
“Great. Take me through that. Where were you sitting relative to Davina? Who else was in the room? What exactly did you say, and what did Davina do — specifically?”
I keep asking questions until I could instruct actors on a set. And if my client watched the resulting scene, they’d say, “Yep, that’s exactly how it happened.” (They’d also say, “I think Ryan Gosling should play me.”)
When you zoom into the specific scene, two things happen.
First, you stop coaching a situation that exists only in your imagination. You stop offering brilliant guidance that’s irrelevant to what’s actually going on.
Second — and this is the part that still surprises me after all these years — the person starts solving their own problem.
When they shift from “Davina’s checked out” to “Oh… I realize that when I presented the Q3 priorities, I didn’t ask for input. I just talked at the room for twenty minutes. And actually, Davina had sent me a strategy memo the week before that I never acknowledged…” — suddenly the issue looks completely different, and the path forward is theirs.
One of the reasons leaders stay stuck is that they’ve generalized. They now have a situation.
And you can’t solve a general situation. You can only solve the moment you’re in.
This is one of the most underrated leadership skills I know — and it works whether you’re coaching a direct report, running a retrospective, or navigating a conflict between two senior people.
The next time someone comes to you with a problem, resist the urge to solve the abstraction. Instead, try:
“Tell me about a specific time this happened. Walk me through it like I’m watching a movie.”
You’ll be amazed at how often the solution emerges — without you having to provide it.
I work with executives and leadership teams on the mindset shifts that turn reactive management into buoyant leadership. If that’s a conversation worth having, let’s talk. Drop me a line at howiejacobson.com.
Transcript
And it's about, don't get the gist. Get the details. So what does that mean? So let's say you're in a one-on-one with a direct report and they're telling you about a problem they've got. So it could be a project that's off the rails, a team dynamic that's souring, or a client relationship that's circling the drain and about 30 seconds in, you get it?
t. Guess what? You're almost [:The details that actually matter? No. In that case, you're running on a movie that your brain invented, complete with set design, lighting, and a cast of characters straight out of your brain's best simulation of central casting. I see this constantly in my work with leaders. A leader comes in and says something like, my team just isn't stepping up.
I keep getting pulled into the weeds or I've got a senior person who's checked out and yeah, my immediate instinct is to start solving. Yeah, I can see it. I can see the checked out senior leaders scrolling through their phone in a meeting. I can see the overwhelmed VP staying late to redo their team's work.
nough to realize that it's a [:So I've learned to insert a simple but powerful technique between the initial description of the problem that someone gives me and the in-depth diagnosis that I may provide or may guide the client to provide for themselves. I become a movie director. What does this mean? Instead of working from the generalized story, I ask for a specific scene instead of, so tell me what usually happens.
. Well, they might say, last [:Then I'd say Great. Take me through that. So first of all, paint the scenario. Where were you sitting relative to Davina? What was the size of of the room, the shape of the table? Was it virtual? Was it in person? Who else was there? What exactly did you say? And what did Davina do specifically? So I am just.
Looking for the details and I keep asking questions until I could instruct actors on a set, and if my client watched the resulting scene that I filmed, they would say, yep, that's exactly how it happened. They also sometimes say, I think Ryan Gosling should play. Why is this so important? Well, when you zoom into that specific scene, two things happen.
rrelevant to what's actually [:Venus checked out. To, oh, I realized that when I presented the Q3 priorities, I didn't ask for input. I just talked at the room for 20 minutes, and actually Davina had sent me a strategy memo the week before that I never acknowledged. Suddenly the issue looks completely different and the path forward is theirs.
One of the reasons people get stuck is that they've generalized. And once we get specific, they now have a situation. And you can't solve a situation. You can only solve the moment you're in. Honestly, this is one of the most underrated leadership skills I know. And it works whether you're coaching a direct report, running a retrospective, or navigating a conflict between two senior people.
the next time someone comes [:I work with executives and leadership teams on the mindset shifts that turn reactive management into buoyant leadership. If that's a conversation worth having, let's talk. Drop me a line@howiejacobson.com.
